Wedding Blues Monologue: A Letter to My Bestie

Dear Debby,

Remember the last time you were crying because of an asshole that didn’t even deserve a second of your time? An asshole that we all really hated because you’ve been sucked out into a black hole everytime you guys went out.

Now, he’s gone and good God has given a chance to another man that always became a part of your life because he always been in love you since the day you guys met in high school.

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Life Begins on 24

I think I’ve just reached a quarter-life crisis. They said life begins on 24. It was all just a splash of light. I’ll be 25 in 3 months, yet I stuck all day sit on my desk trying to figure out how things work. I got no boyfriend. I rarely go for a night out. I live in a very complex and conservatif neighborhood, some might call them bigots. I spend my pennies impulsively. I fake around just to make people shut the fuck up. I work on weekends. I’m tired. I only have a few friends to talk. I need holiday but that’s a long way to go. I’m sleepless. I have tried a lot of drugs to keep my brains work in the day. There’s a very thin line between work and home. I have a to keep my feet to stand on the ground, and yet I have no outside life. I kept thinking when all of this end.

On the bright side, I got this 9-to-9 job that I and everybody else always dreamt of. I’ve reached a level where the executive belongs to. I got my new shiny iMac 4K for free. I have the authority to tell people what to do. I’m not afraid of people anymore, I feel like I can control them.

So, what now?

I might just need to be grateful.

Endless Meetings and 5 Shots of Espresso

We always had one day prepared for a lot of meetings. I knew that today was one of those cursed day. I prepared all the things needed and a long loooong sleep the night before. I set my mood and mindset that today is going to be okay. I will pass this day alive.

I challenged myself this morning to not go back to sleep again after a walk (and had a double shot of Espresso). I went for Pokemon-hunting around the neighborhood, wrote a few things that should be done by today, read some articles on Medium, and finished a task from work. After breakfast and another double shot of Espresso, I jumped to the office with a super-caffeine rush and a feeling that my heart was going to explode. I realized that was too much shots between 3 hours.

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Breathless Eyes, Lucy Colored Skies.

Catching smoke, i came up high, and from high (above), everything is seen clearly,
what is truth, society and the whole world’s mother-father (essence) is seen
here, there is very cold breeze…
Let me, stay high high
life seems like a joke, I keep on laughing..
I am lying on grass, keep rolling and burning
the road of life is tough, blow out and keep walking
I came here in taxi, in a 3D dreams waterfall
all the clocks have melted, do everything in slow-motion
in your broken heart, put a joint, the world will be seen as flower-pot,
when climbed the peak of mountain,
I saw Shiva.

Continue reading “Breathless Eyes, Lucy Colored Skies.”

Good Team, Don’t Care.

Now I kinda know (a bit) how it feels like to be a mother. Still learning though, but God knows how I tried hard to make them feel equal as their other colleagues, to be respected by clients, to learn together, and to have fun together.

I trusted them with no expectation in return. I just want them to have self-esteem because we all have been through the hardest time and passed it. We’ve been improving. A lot.

And there are so much more coming in our way. I hope we could still be together and learn that way. 

Nobody can stop us anyway.

On Losing People in A Battle Within Myself

One of the hardest decision in my career is when I hired and said goodbye to these girls I really cared about.

There was these two people in my team.

One of them named Riyanti. She’s by far the toughest single-mom I knew. She had this terrible Vertigo disease that made her sometimes absence from work without any news because when the headache hit, she couldn’t even get up. Over a period of two months in my team, she did really terrible task and time management. Yet she was very loyal and didn’t mind to work overtime as she usually came late to the office in order to take care of her 3 children in the morning. I didn’t criticize her for it because I don’t wanna hurt her feelings. I hoped she’d figured it out and by making her feel better, she would start doing better. It didn’t work. She was fired.

Continue reading “On Losing People in A Battle Within Myself”


So, this is it.

A 6-months resolution to myself and a promise to a good friend of mine, that:


…No matter for busy or how fucked up my life is.

In other words, I need to keeping track of my days or my journey would be, so I could take lessons learned (like those Medium writers said) and tell my kids that “This is your Mum in the past, making her way through middle-life crisis, and finding your soon-to-be Dad so you guys don’t do the same mistakes like I did.”

Approach carefully if:

  • You are close-minded and cannot accept people with different backgrounds, stories nor past, and reigning your wrath upon them in the name of your lord(s);
  • Your ego would fall through the cracks on the floor when you couldn’t count on people to slap your ass anymore;
  • Your head is about to explode because my messy English/Bahasa writings, posted morally-wrong thoughts, first-hand liberal experiences during my journey, dark jokes and the bitter truths about me that are sometimes socially unacceptable.

Now the introduction is done, I hope that you had gut-trembling or something resembling fun. And if you hated it, that’s just fair.

Either way, you’ve been warned.