Crossfaded

I was on a self-loathe last week. I hate myself, people, and everything I did was a wrong version of an alternate universe. My head wouldn’t shut up at night and sleep til’ noon messed me up as fuck, until I thought I just need some solitary and a lil’ bit of fun.

On Tuesday, I decided to go out with my ex and saw a shitty antiheroes movie that everyone’s been waiting for. Although the movie gave me cute insights about how to handle a bunch of mad people (yeah, you know what movie it is) that exactly had been my problem lately. The movie still sucks it drained out my Endorphin level.

The next day, I went for a karaoke night with my co-workers. We had fun, yet I still crave for more. Perhaps I might just need to get high.

Another day has passed, I slept on the last office hour til’ evening. My body clock totally stopped me to sleep at night. I tried to not sleep on Friday morning by took a double Espresso with an empty stomach and my last pills of Kratom. I got so high and sleepy, I pissed people off by bluntly telling them the ugly truth about their work. I didn’t even regret.

I left the office early, slept like a baby on a cheap rented room in the city, and got a bit tipsy with friends in the evening. We laughed and danced the night away until sunrise. And you know what, I booty-called my ex unconsciously. He came with the expectation and you can guess what happened next.

I came home on the next afternoon with a strange feeling of self-compassion and a tiny bit of regret. I had all the fun and I guess I need to get back to my real life, hug my Mum and do everything she wants me to do because I’m her little good girl. Suddenly, my Oxytocin hormone fired up like a blaze. I feel both energized and sinned at the same time.

Sorry not sorry, but that night was the best decision I’ve ever made this week.

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