I am super logical yet I honestly don’t really know how to cope with unwanted emotion when I felt one.
Suddenly, several of my team members are resigning this week. I’m sad not because that the works are keep getting harder, they’re the only ones that truly care about what they do. I have nobody to trust in this place beside them. I’m afraid that all those hypocrites will take control. Afraid that I will left behind on their game.
I just can’t afford to lose any more of ’em.
I know that I should’ve called just to know how you’re doing. Although I know that I don’t have to. I might be scared about what you will say, because I always know that I expect too much yet I don’t deserve you well enough. Now you know, I don’t have that much balls and I am THAT coward to actually face you.
I admired your fascinating mind and well-thought out stories. I long for your guidance on how to reach our shared dreams even if it’s a long way to go. I lost on your eyes, lips, and conversation with you until the dawn comes where nobody could find us. I am just like you, wanting normalcy but stuck in the outer fringes, not knowing how to participate. Too desperate to socialize with dumb people. Too care to make a little change around us. To live on that bubble. Laughed at everything life threw on us. Trapped on all of this world’s naivety. Even cried on silly thoughts of being just like common people.
I know you’re a good friend. A good one. Perhaps the right one. I always dream the impossible although I’m not that positive when you’re not around. Everytime I look myself in the mirror, I only see a poor widow that came from complicated surroundings that full of ambitious bigots and hypocrites. You must’ve been know that I haven’t reached the point to make peace with myself yet. I’m just an impulsive, psychologically troubled, traumatized human being that you won’t ever be married to.
But you know what?
I’m just curious that someday if you’re gonna build a ship, is there any space and chance to fit me in?
And if your ship left me because I was too late to ask you or you simply don’t deserve me, could I find another ship that brings out the best in me just like yours?
Or perhaps, could we meet halfway in the middle?
Where would we go then?
I don’t really know if we’re in control. That were just making the best of what comes and that’s it. Constantly trying to pick between two options, Like your two paintings in the waiting room or Coke and Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, Hundi or Honda. It’s all part of the same blur. Just out of focus, it’s the illusion of choice. Half of us can’t pick our own table, gas, furniture, electricity, the water we drink, our health insurance.. even if we did would it matter? If our only choices were blue cross or blue shield, what the fuck is the difference? In fact, aren’t they the same? Nah man, choices are prepaid for us.
Is any of it real? I mean, look at this. Look at it! A world built on fantasy. Synthetic emotions in the form of pills. Psychological warfare in the form of advertising. Mind-altering chemicals in the form of… food! Brainwashing seminars in the form of media. Controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You want to talk about reality? We haven’t lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century.