I dreamed about us on a day nap.
You were slightly different, more like a sagittarian rather than an aquarian. You were warmer, friendlier, and we were chillin’ at a roadside cafe on an island. Everything was perfectly I wanted it to be.
And then something came up, someone from my dark times remind me who I used to be. Something sinful that I regret but kept doing it.
But you stay eventually. You hold my hand and tell me that everything will be okay. You accepted the way I am, and the way I used to be. Although you never say the word on that dream, your little actions tell me everything.
I woke up with an overwhelmed feeling and wondering, would it be real?
Will us be there?
She still remembers that day. The day when all hopes were turned into ashes. The last yet most beautiful dusk than she could ever imagined in her youth. Fact that she will lost all her freedom by marrying someone she didn’t love, was the only reason that she would become self-destructive. Even until the pain was all gone and she began to accept her fate.
Continue reading “The Only Friends Are Right Under Your Nose”
I haven’t written much lately, as even the act of sharing my thoughts feels exhausting. I am not sad to be by myself. Being alone gives me an opportunity to recharge my batteries. Shutting down and tuning out seems to refresh me, which is contradictory to an extroverts norm. I thrive on external stimulation, but when there is a lack of available stimulation, I become lonely and I shut right down. I crave for a huge amount of Oxytocin and Dopamine injected right through my veins. Strangely, I have the urge to get them from the people I trust, not the ones that I have known.
Believe me, I tried a lot of experiments to pass this feelings away. I took mood booster meds -both chemical and herb-, I smoke cracks, and now I have a strange tolerance towards booze. I become emotionally unavailable and psychologically unstable towards people around me. The truth that I live in an ignorant enviroment is just slapped me in the face.
Until one night, I found this anonymous app called Whisper…
Continue reading “Solitude in Anonymity”
Couldn’t be more grateful to have you guys in my life.
I know that I should’ve called just to know how you’re doing. Although I know that I don’t have to. I might be scared about what you will say, because I always know that I expect too much yet I don’t deserve you well enough. Now you know, I don’t have that much balls and I am THAT coward to actually face you.
I admired your fascinating mind and well-thought out stories. I long for your guidance on how to reach our shared dreams even if it’s a long way to go. I lost on your eyes, lips, and conversation with you until the dawn comes where nobody could find us. I am just like you, wanting normalcy but stuck in the outer fringes, not knowing how to participate. Too desperate to socialize with dumb people. Too care to make a little change around us. To live on that bubble. Laughed at everything life threw on us. Trapped on all of this world’s naivety. Even cried on silly thoughts of being just like common people.
I know you’re a good friend. A good one. Perhaps the right one. I always dream the impossible although I’m not that positive when you’re not around. Everytime I look myself in the mirror, I only see a poor widow that came from complicated surroundings that full of ambitious bigots and hypocrites. You must’ve been know that I haven’t reached the point to make peace with myself yet. I’m just an impulsive, psychologically troubled, traumatized human being that you won’t ever be married to.
But you know what?
I’m just curious that someday if you’re gonna build a ship, is there any space and chance to fit me in?
And if your ship left me because I was too late to ask you or you simply don’t deserve me, could I find another ship that brings out the best in me just like yours?
Or perhaps, could we meet halfway in the middle?
Where would we go then?
You don’t fall in love like you fall in a hole. You fall like falling through space. It’s like you jump off your own private planet to visit someone else’s planet. And when you get there it all looks different: the flowers, the animals, the colours people wear. It is a big surprise falling in love because you thought you had everything just right on your own planet, and that was true, in a way, but then somebody signalled to you across space and the only way you could visit was to take a giant jump. Away you go, falling into someone else’s orbit and after a while you might decide to pull your two planets together and call it home. And you can bring your dog. Or your cat. Your goldfish, hamster, collection of stones, all your odd socks. (The ones you lost, including the holes, are on the new planet you found.)
And you can bring your friends to visit. And read your favourite stories to each other. And the falling was really the big jump that you had to make to be with someone you don’t want to be without. That’s it.
P.S: You have to be brave.
Who am I?
I feel empty
I have nowhere to go
No friend to tell my story
No one asked how I feel
Nor how it is going
Nor even care
What am I gonna do?
What am I supposed to do?
I miss myself
Kind of lost her somewhere in the middle
Where is she?
I was on a self-loathe last week. I hate myself, people, and everything I did was a wrong version of an alternate universe. My head wouldn’t shut up at night and sleep til’ noon messed me up as fuck, until I thought I just need some solitary and a lil’ bit of fun.
Continue reading “Crossfaded”
Why do we talk about ourselves to stranger?
Because they don’t know well about our life, our past, our background.
Because they don’t judge, they listen.. and it is so much better.
So, let’s keep it anonymous
Let’s be stranger.
Last day of July, it was a sunny day.
I saw you flirt with the breeze as you breathe. I stole a look when you told me the story of seven seas. I knew from the first time I met you two years ago, you are something rarest I found in a million light of years. I felt the touch on the back of your hand when you still wondered if God knows that your effort is the most consistent, reliable thing in your life. I don’t even know what this kind of feeling is. You are just impossible. You told yourself you want to come back home, but you never know what is home. We met on the right time, yet you ran again. Why couldn’t I catch you?
I will be counting raindrops till we meet again. Hoping that I’ll catch you someday.
Remember the last time you were crying because of an asshole that didn’t even deserve a second of your time? An asshole that we all really hated because you’ve been sucked out into a black hole everytime you guys went out.
Now, he’s gone and good God has given a chance to another man that always became a part of your life because he always been in love you since the day you guys met in high school.
Continue reading “Wedding Blues Monologue: A Letter to My Bestie”