I know, I know. I’ve been bad lately.
I wanted this and that. I ignored texts from people I don’t really care about. I forgot to say hello to people I don’t really see often until I need their help. I cancelled plans. I broke promises. I even forgot to say thanks to some people that helped me out. I often left my prayers until I get back home and regret it so much I left it over and over again. I spent money impulsively on unimportant and silly things from the internet. I’ve a lot of pending works and I just can’t multitask. I procastinated on priorities. I talked behind people’s back. I bluffed. I only socialized with clients I wanted to take advantage of. I didn’t accept the rules. I avoid the roads of truth and what my religion used to tell me. I said things differently than it should be. I concentrated on little things that I should’ve been delegate. I’ve been boozing almost 4 times every week. I realized that I turned into someone I loathe. And I lied, a lot.
I’m starting to think, am I not being myself? or is this the real me?
How can I find the good things in life without being a good human? Is God still want to hear me? How can I start all over again? How do I find someone to take me back to right way?
How do things even possible the way I want it to?
Your mind become limitless, you know exactly what’s in for you in the near future, you’ll become unstoppable yet reach your peace of mind and undistracted with anything in front of you except your truly goal at the moment.
The downside is you couldn’t stop it easily, you’ll get super exhausted by the end of the day, and you can absorb all information from the tiniest movement of your body. After you finished your goal, you’ll be information overload and suddenly care about the world, people, and even the stupidest politics that happening around you.
Eventually, you’ll sleep better at night and forget everything that happened like you skip the time before.
She still remembers that day. The day when all hopes were turned into ashes. The last yet most beautiful dusk than she could ever imagined in her youth. Fact that she will lost all her freedom by marrying someone she didn’t love, was the only reason that she would become self-destructive. Even until the pain was all gone and she began to accept her fate.
Continue reading “The Only Friends Are Right Under Your Nose”
Quotes to live by this year. 2016 has been rude to me. My life was pretty much suck when it comes to work and relationship.
But then again, now you know why I still keep doing it.
Bring it on, bitch!
Negativity only affect you if you’re on the same frequency.
I have mastered shutting out negativity. There’s a big flaw in some concious Folk. They begin to think that they’re better than everyone else and that they know what’s best for everyone. So they begin to judge others based on how they look or sound or what they do for a living.
That type of mindset does not make you concious, it makes you another religious fanatic.
Wait a minute
Does that make me sound like them?
I just realized that took a lot of pictures since 10 years ago while looking back at my DeviantArt page. I was so fond of black white analog photography. I felt like I could express myself and met a lot of interesting genuine people on the street without even saying a word.
Anyone could be a photographer now. Everyone got high-end camera right on their hand. We just could take any kind of pictures and upload it anytime to their Instagram account. Show off your daily life and beloved by people or stranger around has never been this easier.
But the question is, are they even real? The shots they took everyday?
I feel like I’m losing my appetite to take an interesting picture. It’s just kinda exhausting to have a digitalized and perfect edited picture before I can upload it somewhere. I’m blinded to the fact that everyone around me got super artsy showing their everyday life. It makes me kinda nervous comparing to myself to the fact that I only stuck at the office 9-to-5 and 8 days a week. I just can’t afford faking my whole life for an Instagram post that probably get only 10 likes.
I do really miss it though. The feeling of its huge grip perfectly in my hand. The Van-Gogh-like point of view from its tiny window. The little sound of its shutter. And the freedom of being anywhere and taking pictures anytime just like the old times.
I haven’t written much lately, as even the act of sharing my thoughts feels exhausting. I am not sad to be by myself. Being alone gives me an opportunity to recharge my batteries. Shutting down and tuning out seems to refresh me, which is contradictory to an extroverts norm. I thrive on external stimulation, but when there is a lack of available stimulation, I become lonely and I shut right down. I crave for a huge amount of Oxytocin and Dopamine injected right through my veins. Strangely, I have the urge to get them from the people I trust, not the ones that I have known.
Believe me, I tried a lot of experiments to pass this feelings away. I took mood booster meds -both chemical and herb-, I smoke cracks, and now I have a strange tolerance towards booze. I become emotionally unavailable and psychologically unstable towards people around me. The truth that I live in an ignorant enviroment is just slapped me in the face.
Until one night, I found this anonymous app called Whisper…
Continue reading “Solitude in Anonymity”
There are many point of views regarding November the 4th’s case in Indonesia, that happened to be a big issue for many concerned people lately.
A few thinkers have come up with useful ways of thinking about the beliefs we have and the harm they can cause, and what responsibilities go along with having them. Meanwhile, others have argued that we can sometimes hold beliefs without any proof.
We live in a world that could probably use a lot more epistemic responsibility, or at least, more people who understand what it is. Because the world is full of people who hold beliefs without any evidence. And not only that, they encourage others to share their beliefs. That could be dangerous when you spread an idea that might lead to an apocalypse.
Normally, when we talk about responsibility, we’re talking about things that we have to do. Some people have argued that we all have epistemic responsibility, that is responsibility we have regarding our beliefs. What to do with each people’s beliefs and one have to think about the domino effect – especially for others – to keep the world in peace.
When you adopt a belief, you have options. And the nature of those options can basically determine the moral defensibility of the beliefs you end up holding.
– William James
Specifically, he said that the options you face when choosing a belief could be either; live or dead, forced or unforced, and momentous or trivial.
Continue reading “411”
I am super logical yet I honestly don’t really know how to cope with unwanted emotion when I felt one.
Suddenly, several of my team members are resigning this week. I’m sad not because that the works are keep getting harder, they’re the only ones that truly care about what they do. I have nobody to trust in this place beside them. I’m afraid that all those hypocrites will take control. Afraid that I will left behind on their game.
I just can’t afford to lose any more of ’em.
Continue reading “Faded Dreams on Expectation”
I know that I should’ve called just to know how you’re doing. Although I know that I don’t have to. I might be scared about what you will say, because I always know that I expect too much yet I don’t deserve you well enough. Now you know, I don’t have that much balls and I am THAT coward to actually face you.
I admired your fascinating mind and well-thought out stories. I long for your guidance on how to reach our shared dreams even if it’s a long way to go. I lost on your eyes, lips, and conversation with you until the dawn comes where nobody could find us. I am just like you, wanting normalcy but stuck in the outer fringes, not knowing how to participate. Too desperate to socialize with dumb people. Too care to make a little change around us. To live on that bubble. Laughed at everything life threw on us. Trapped on all of this world’s naivety. Even cried on silly thoughts of being just like common people.
I know you’re a good friend. A good one. Perhaps the right one. I always dream the impossible although I’m not that positive when you’re not around. Everytime I look myself in the mirror, I only see a poor widow that came from complicated surroundings that full of ambitious bigots and hypocrites. You must’ve been know that I haven’t reached the point to make peace with myself yet. I’m just an impulsive, psychologically troubled, traumatized human being that you won’t ever be married to.
But you know what?
I’m just curious that someday if you’re gonna build a ship, is there any space and chance to fit me in?
And if your ship left me because I was too late to ask you or you simply don’t deserve me, could I find another ship that brings out the best in me just like yours?
Or perhaps, could we meet halfway in the middle?
Where would we go then?
I don’t really know if we’re in control. That were just making the best of what comes and that’s it. Constantly trying to pick between two options, Like your two paintings in the waiting room or Coke and Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, Hundi or Honda. It’s all part of the same blur. Just out of focus, it’s the illusion of choice. Half of us can’t pick our own table, gas, furniture, electricity, the water we drink, our health insurance.. even if we did would it matter? If our only choices were blue cross or blue shield, what the fuck is the difference? In fact, aren’t they the same? Nah man, choices are prepaid for us.
Is any of it real? I mean, look at this. Look at it! A world built on fantasy. Synthetic emotions in the form of pills. Psychological warfare in the form of advertising. Mind-altering chemicals in the form of… food! Brainwashing seminars in the form of media. Controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You want to talk about reality? We haven’t lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century.
Continue reading “Fuck Society”