I just realized that took a lot of pictures since 10 years ago while looking back at my DeviantArt page. I was so fond of black white analog photography. I felt like I could express myself and met a lot of interesting genuine people on the street without even saying a word.

Anyone could be a photographer now. Everyone got high-end camera right on their hand. We just could take any kind of pictures and upload it anytime to their Instagram account. Show off your daily life and beloved by people or stranger around has never been this easier.

But the question is, are they even real? The shots they took everyday?

I feel like I’m losing my appetite to take an interesting picture. It’s just kinda exhausting to have a digitalized and perfect edited picture before I can upload it somewhere. I’m blinded to the fact that everyone around me got super artsy showing their everyday life. It makes me kinda nervous comparing to myself to the fact that I only stuck at the office 9-to-5 and 8 days a week. I just can’t afford faking my whole life for an Instagram post that probably get only 10 likes.

I do really miss it though. The feeling of its huge grip perfectly in my hand. The Van-Gogh-like point of view from its tiny window. The little sound of its shutter. And the freedom of being anywhere and taking pictures anytime just like the old times.

Faded Dreams on Expectation

I am super logical yet I honestly don’t really know how to cope with unwanted emotion when I felt one.

Suddenly, several of my team members are resigning this week. I’m sad not because that the works are keep getting harder, they’re the only ones that truly care about what they do.  I have nobody to trust in this place beside them. I’m afraid that all those hypocrites will take control. Afraid that I will left behind on their game.

I just can’t afford to lose any more of ’em.

Continue reading “Faded Dreams on Expectation”

Life Begins on 24

I think I’ve just reached a quarter-life crisis. They said life begins on 24. It was all just a splash of light. I’ll be 25 in 3 months, yet I stuck all day sit on my desk trying to figure out how things work. I got no boyfriend. I rarely go for a night out. I live in a very complex and conservatif neighborhood, some might call them bigots. I spend my pennies impulsively. I fake around just to make people shut the fuck up. I work on weekends. I’m tired. I only have a few friends to talk. I need holiday but that’s a long way to go. I’m sleepless. I have tried a lot of drugs to keep my brains work in the day. There’s a very thin line between work and home. I have a to keep my feet to stand on the ground, and yet I have no outside life. I kept thinking when all of this end.

On the bright side, I got this 9-to-9 job that I and everybody else always dreamt of. I’ve reached a level where the executive belongs to. I got my new shiny iMac 4K for free. I have the authority to tell people what to do. I’m not afraid of people anymore, I feel like I can control them.

So, what now?

I might just need to be grateful.

Endless Meetings and 5 Shots of Espresso

We always had one day prepared for a lot of meetings. I knew that today was one of those cursed day. I prepared all the things needed and a long loooong sleep the night before. I set my mood and mindset that today is going to be okay. I will pass this day alive.

I challenged myself this morning to not go back to sleep again after a walk (and had a double shot of Espresso). I went for Pokemon-hunting around the neighborhood, wrote a few things that should be done by today, read some articles on Medium, and finished a task from work. After breakfast and another double shot of Espresso, I jumped to the office with a super-caffeine rush and a feeling that my heart was going to explode. I realized that was too much shots between 3 hours.

Continue reading “Endless Meetings and 5 Shots of Espresso”

Good Team, Don’t Care.

Now I kinda know (a bit) how it feels like to be a mother. Still learning though, but God knows how I tried hard to make them feel equal as their other colleagues, to be respected by clients, to learn together, and to have fun together.

I trusted them with no expectation in return. I just want them to have self-esteem because we all have been through the hardest time and passed it. We’ve been improving. A lot.

And there are so much more coming in our way. I hope we could still be together and learn that way. 

Nobody can stop us anyway.

On Losing People in A Battle Within Myself

One of the hardest decision in my career is when I hired and said goodbye to these girls I really cared about.

There was these two people in my team.

One of them named Riyanti. She’s by far the toughest single-mom I knew. She had this terrible Vertigo disease that made her sometimes absence from work without any news because when the headache hit, she couldn’t even get up. Over a period of two months in my team, she did really terrible task and time management. Yet she was very loyal and didn’t mind to work overtime as she usually came late to the office in order to take care of her 3 children in the morning. I didn’t criticize her for it because I don’t wanna hurt her feelings. I hoped she’d figured it out and by making her feel better, she would start doing better. It didn’t work. She was fired.

Continue reading “On Losing People in A Battle Within Myself”

Care too little, you lost them. Care too much, you get hurt.

Apologize if I’ve done something ignorant that I might do it again in the future. Although I still don’t get why because, yes, maybe I’m a prick.

Well.. Every truth has two sides of story; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either. Before you “assume”, try this crazy method called “asking”.

A quick post about this evening’s little incident.