Solitude in Anonymity

I haven’t written much lately, as even the act of sharing my thoughts feels exhausting. I am not sad to be by myself. Being alone gives me an opportunity to recharge my batteries. Shutting down and tuning out seems to refresh me, which is contradictory to an extroverts norm.  I thrive on external stimulation, but when there is a lack of available stimulation, I become lonely and I shut right down. I crave for a huge amount of Oxytocin and Dopamine injected right through my veins. Strangely, I have the urge to get them from the people I trust, not the ones that I have known.

Believe me, I tried a lot of experiments to pass this feelings away. I took mood booster meds -both chemical and herb-, I smoke cracks, and now I have a strange tolerance towards booze. I become emotionally unavailable and psychologically unstable towards people around me. The truth that I live in an ignorant enviroment is just slapped me in the face.

Until one night, I found this anonymous app called Whisper…

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411

There are many point of views regarding November the 4th’s case in Indonesia, that happened to be a big issue for many concerned people lately.

A few thinkers have come up with useful ways of thinking about the beliefs we have and the harm they can cause, and what responsibilities go along with having them. Meanwhile, others have argued that we can sometimes hold beliefs without any proof.

We live in a world that could probably use a lot more epistemic responsibility, or at least, more people who understand what it is. Because the world is full of people who hold beliefs without any evidence. And not only that, they encourage others to share their beliefs. That could be dangerous when you spread an idea that might lead to an apocalypse.

Normally, when we talk about responsibility, we’re talking about things that we have to do. Some people have argued that we all have epistemic responsibility, that is responsibility we have regarding our beliefs. What to do with each people’s beliefs and one have to think about the domino effect – especially for others – to keep the world in peace.

When you adopt a belief, you have options. And the nature of those options can basically determine the moral defensibility of the beliefs you end up holding.

– William James

 

Specifically, he said that the options you face when choosing a belief could be either; live or dead, forced or unforced, and momentous or trivial.

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Faded Dreams on Expectation

I am super logical yet I honestly don’t really know how to cope with unwanted emotion when I felt one.


Suddenly, several of my team members are resigning this week. I’m sad not because that the works are keep getting harder, they’re the only ones that truly care about what they do.  I have nobody to trust in this place beside them. I’m afraid that all those hypocrites will take control. Afraid that I will left behind on their game.

I just can’t afford to lose any more of ’em.

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Hello Friend

I know that I should’ve called just to know how you’re doing. Although I know that I don’t have to. I might be scared about what you will say, because I always know that I expect too much yet I don’t deserve you well enough. Now you know, I don’t have that much balls and I am THAT coward to actually face you. 

I admired your fascinating mind and well-thought out stories. I long for your guidance on how to reach our shared dreams even if it’s a long way to go. I lost on your eyes, lips, and conversation with you until the dawn comes where nobody could find us. I am just like you, wanting normalcy but stuck in the outer fringes, not knowing how to participate. Too desperate to socialize with dumb people. Too care to make a little change around us. To live on that bubble. Laughed at everything life threw on us. Trapped on all of this world’s naivety. Even cried on silly thoughts of being just like common people.

I know you’re a good friend. A good one. Perhaps the right one. I always dream the impossible although I’m not that positive when you’re not around. Everytime I look myself in the mirror, I only see a poor widow that came from complicated surroundings that full of ambitious bigots and hypocrites. You must’ve been know that I haven’t reached the point to make peace with myself yet. I’m just an impulsive, psychologically troubled, traumatized human being that you won’t ever be married to.

But you know what?

I’m just curious that someday if you’re gonna build a ship, is there any space and chance to fit me in?

And if your ship left me because I was too late to ask you or you simply don’t deserve me, could I find another ship that brings out the best in me just like yours?

Or perhaps, could we meet halfway in the middle?

Where would we go then?

Fuck Society

I don’t really know if we’re in control. That were just making the best of what comes and that’s it. Constantly trying to pick between two options, Like your two paintings in the waiting room or Coke and Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, Hundi or Honda. It’s all part of the same blur. Just out of focus, it’s the illusion of choice. Half of us can’t pick our own table, gas, furniture, electricity, the water we drink, our health insurance.. even if we did would it matter? If our only choices were blue cross or blue shield, what the fuck is the difference? In fact, aren’t they the same? Nah man, choices are prepaid for us.

mr-robot-f-society

Is any of it real? I mean, look at this. Look at it! A world built on fantasy. Synthetic emotions in the form of pills. Psychological warfare in the form of advertising. Mind-altering chemicals in the form of… food! Brainwashing seminars in the form of media. Controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You want to talk about reality? We haven’t lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century.

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Do you?

You don’t fall in love like you fall in a hole. You fall like falling through space. It’s like you jump off your own private planet to visit someone else’s planet. And when you get there it all looks different: the flowers, the animals, the colours people wear. It is a big surprise falling in love because you thought you had everything just right on your own planet, and that was true, in a way, but then somebody signalled to you across space and the only way you could visit was to take a giant jump. Away you go, falling into someone else’s orbit and after a while you might decide to pull your two planets together and call it home. And you can bring your dog. Or your cat. Your goldfish, hamster, collection of stones, all your odd socks. (The ones you lost, including the holes, are on the new planet you found.)

And you can bring your friends to visit. And read your favourite stories to each other. And the falling was really the big jump that you had to make to be with someone you don’t want to be without. That’s it.

P.S: You have to be brave.

Heads in the Cloud, Butterflies in My Chest

I’m a little upset that you actually did flatter me big time. I’m afraid that if you keep on showing up and actually making my life easier, that I will like it. Well, liking it will lead to relying on it, and by relying on it, I will be less of me I’ve made myself into. But you see.. I’m afraid that if I learn to rely on you, which is the most dependable guy I’ve ever met, then one day, when I really need you to show up, and you won’t. Then I’ll be angry at myself for believing in something I’ve only seen in the movies, something I’ve been in the past, or something that I’m determined to prove that you actually exists. All I need is some space because I don’t really know you either.. we’ve been a couple of good friend and co-worker and mate and stuff.

So, why would I ruin it?